That’s all this blog really is. I created it as a way to
observe and tell people “back home” what was going on in ND without calling and
yakking everyone’s ear off. It worked for that. Then I quit, because yay depression. Came
back to it and like three people read this, and you jerks don’t even comment,
you TEXT me a comment with no context that you read it in my blog so I’m even
more confused. HA. So yea. To those three of you, thanks for letting me vent,
for understanding and still loving me. And with that I shall carry on to my
next topic brought on by the previous post….
Would I have cheated on “A the ex” given the opportunity?
Short answer: NO.
Complicated Answer: I would’ve dumped him in a heartbeat and
made sure that he understood we were no longer in a relationship and then
thrust my heart at someone else… yes.
Long answer: here’s the thing. I love, I love easily and
often. It’s how I am. So when I connect with someone, even as just a friend, I
LOVE THEM WHOLEHEARTEDLY… I know, I know, that’s a contradiction… but you know
what I mean.
Two people: I can scream their names here because they’ll
NEVER see this (thus the freedom part) and because I know they’d never
reciprocate.
Also going to preface this with the fact that I am married
and my husband trusts me and knows that nothing would EVER happen if given the
opportunity with either of these individuals … Thor… I have a pass on … but
these two. He knows wouldn’t get what he gets. He also knows that if he dies
and either of these two are single I’m going after them. LOL… good thing he
only met one of them once.
Vince. That guy… man… I sigh just saying his name. I came
from being devastated after high school to someone that just had fun “wasting
minutes” (remember THAT concern with cell phones LOL) talking to me about
NOTHING. Movie quotes back and forth. He made me smile at a time when smiling
wasn’t a huge option for me. I crushed on him HARD. He totally wanted that twat-waffle
who bragged about “teasing him along for fun”… poor guy. Only made me love him
more. When I was sure things were sputtering out with A the ex I had started
hanging out with Vince again, again a time when I didn’t think smiling was an
option, he made me laugh until it hurt. Of course, I’m a klutz and a moron so I
totally accidently crashed into his friends car… had to make it right and get
it fixed with one of my friends help… but things felt weird after that. I will
do things for one of two reasons, spite or a word that rhymes with dove. *sigh*
the reason I’ve never changed my cell phone number is him. I’m stuck with it
and I can’t picture ever changing it, but he’s the reason I never will. He’s
totally A-sexual to me so nothing would ever happen but man… for that chance.
Nelson. If anyone understands my childhood more they would
have to be my clone. I hated him. HATED him. Literally tried to run him off the
road one time. He came off as SUPER elitist and annoying to me. Then… I talked
to him and he wrote poems about me dying. It was great. We were friends that
understood each other. At one point I was willing to move across the country so
he would have “someone he knew” with him while he went to law school to avoid
depression. I was totally willing to do that for him… I even stopped dating to
be fair to whoever I was seeing… his ex said that I must “want more from him”…
meh maybe she was right. At the time, no, we were friends and I wasn’t going to
jeopardize that. Then… he hesitated after his dad said he was being selfish
asking me to put my life on hold for him.
Background: I’ve never met and
never WANT to meet Nelson’s dad. I know the shit he did to Nelson and his
family. His continuing efforts to make Nelson feels less than worthy only infuriated
me more. I wasn’t doing ANYTHING with my life at that point. I was taking care
of my grandparents’ house, my grandmother was being transferred to a nursing
home and I was looking at “what’s next”. So an adventure somewhere new with a
friend was a WELCOMED OPPORTUNITY…
…but he said he wasn’t sure and I started dating A…. because…
what’s next?
I told Nelson, if I start kissing someone I’m not going to
leave… and he waited too long. A wanted a relationship and was SUPER jealous of
the fact that I was willing to take off with Nelson… they met ONCE that I can remember,
my dad was there and LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF. Because here was Nelson acting like
my big brother and “who the fuck are you” kind of attitude towards A. There was
A looking at Nelson as though he was in competition and “who the fuck are you”…
I giggled at one point but the reality was if I had to make a decision right
then and there I would’ve gone with Nelson.
I still drop everything in the rare
occasion that he does contact me to talk to him. Once I walked out on work in
the middle of a call, literally put someone on hold and walked out with my cell
phone. I don’t know that anything would ever happen with him but I miss him. I
miss talking to him. I miss joking and laughing with him. I miss encouraging
him. It doesn’t help that our circle of friends think that we still talk “like
all the time” when we don’t. I’m so incredibly proud of where he is and how far
he’s come and hand to God I just want him to know that.
Because I love.
Even if it’s not reciprocated.
Even when I’m not directly talking to someone, I still love
them.
SO that’s the answer. The two people that A the ex would’ve
been trashed in a heartbeat for. A the husband is safe… until he dies. LOL
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