Essentially an online journal and place to vent

That’s all this blog really is. I created it as a way to observe and tell people “back home” what was going on in ND without calling and yakking everyone’s ear off. It worked for that. Then I quit, because yay depression. Came back to it and like three people read this, and you jerks don’t even comment, you TEXT me a comment with no context that you read it in my blog so I’m even more confused. HA. So yea. To those three of you, thanks for letting me vent, for understanding and still loving me. And with that I shall carry on to my next topic brought on by the previous post….

Would I have cheated on “A the ex” given the opportunity?

Short answer: NO.

Complicated Answer: I would’ve dumped him in a heartbeat and made sure that he understood we were no longer in a relationship and then thrust my heart at someone else… yes.

Long answer: here’s the thing. I love, I love easily and often. It’s how I am. So when I connect with someone, even as just a friend, I LOVE THEM WHOLEHEARTEDLY… I know, I know, that’s a contradiction… but you know what I mean.

Two people: I can scream their names here because they’ll NEVER see this (thus the freedom part) and because I know they’d never reciprocate.

Also going to preface this with the fact that I am married and my husband trusts me and knows that nothing would EVER happen if given the opportunity with either of these individuals … Thor… I have a pass on … but these two. He knows wouldn’t get what he gets. He also knows that if he dies and either of these two are single I’m going after them. LOL… good thing he only met one of them once.

Vince. That guy… man… I sigh just saying his name. I came from being devastated after high school to someone that just had fun “wasting minutes” (remember THAT concern with cell phones LOL) talking to me about NOTHING. Movie quotes back and forth. He made me smile at a time when smiling wasn’t a huge option for me. I crushed on him HARD. He totally wanted that twat-waffle who bragged about “teasing him along for fun”… poor guy. Only made me love him more. When I was sure things were sputtering out with A the ex I had started hanging out with Vince again, again a time when I didn’t think smiling was an option, he made me laugh until it hurt. Of course, I’m a klutz and a moron so I totally accidently crashed into his friends car… had to make it right and get it fixed with one of my friends help… but things felt weird after that. I will do things for one of two reasons, spite or a word that rhymes with dove. *sigh* the reason I’ve never changed my cell phone number is him. I’m stuck with it and I can’t picture ever changing it, but he’s the reason I never will. He’s totally A-sexual to me so nothing would ever happen but man… for that chance.

Nelson. If anyone understands my childhood more they would have to be my clone. I hated him. HATED him. Literally tried to run him off the road one time. He came off as SUPER elitist and annoying to me. Then… I talked to him and he wrote poems about me dying. It was great. We were friends that understood each other. At one point I was willing to move across the country so he would have “someone he knew” with him while he went to law school to avoid depression. I was totally willing to do that for him… I even stopped dating to be fair to whoever I was seeing… his ex said that I must “want more from him”… meh maybe she was right. At the time, no, we were friends and I wasn’t going to jeopardize that. Then… he hesitated after his dad said he was being selfish asking me to put my life on hold for him.

Background: I’ve never met and never WANT to meet Nelson’s dad. I know the shit he did to Nelson and his family. His continuing efforts to make Nelson feels less than worthy only infuriated me more. I wasn’t doing ANYTHING with my life at that point. I was taking care of my grandparents’ house, my grandmother was being transferred to a nursing home and I was looking at “what’s next”. So an adventure somewhere new with a friend was a WELCOMED OPPORTUNITY…

…but he said he wasn’t sure and I started dating A…. because… what’s next?

I told Nelson, if I start kissing someone I’m not going to leave… and he waited too long. A wanted a relationship and was SUPER jealous of the fact that I was willing to take off with Nelson… they met ONCE that I can remember, my dad was there and LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF. Because here was Nelson acting like my big brother and “who the fuck are you” kind of attitude towards A. There was A looking at Nelson as though he was in competition and “who the fuck are you”… I giggled at one point but the reality was if I had to make a decision right then and there I would’ve gone with Nelson. 

I still drop everything in the rare occasion that he does contact me to talk to him. Once I walked out on work in the middle of a call, literally put someone on hold and walked out with my cell phone. I don’t know that anything would ever happen with him but I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss joking and laughing with him. I miss encouraging him. It doesn’t help that our circle of friends think that we still talk “like all the time” when we don’t. I’m so incredibly proud of where he is and how far he’s come and hand to God I just want him to know that.

Because I love.

Even if it’s not reciprocated.

Even when I’m not directly talking to someone, I still love them.

SO that’s the answer. The two people that A the ex would’ve been trashed in a heartbeat for. A the husband is safe… until he dies. LOL

When it's over

It’s the question I heard way more times than I wanted to after I broke up with my ex-fiancé. Every time I talked about it I would say “sometime in December…” because Christmas is so special to me and I love to have a tree and go all out in decorating and such. It was the second Christmas we were spending in his parents converted garage, that Christmas symbolized a broken promise.

Let’s go back, therapeutically. He couldn’t keep a job, union work so I understood that winter was going to be slow… but he’d been that way since before my birthday so paying bills was getting rougher. We lost the apartment and moved into his parents garage/room/space/kill-me-now-area. I was under a huge amount of stress being there and that Christmas was ROUGH to say the least. He promised me that we would be out of there before the next Christmas, that I would have a tree and a good time… I believed him. I had no reason not to, this was someone I loved, who loved me, who I cared about and we were engaged… so it was going to be so, right???

Wrong.

Living with someone else’s family is a train wreck… it goes in slow motion and there’s nothing you can do to help making things better.

It hit the next Christmas and low and behold, I was still there. I had just gotten back in contact with an old friend (who, if he wasn’t so a-sexual I would’ve totally left the boyfriend for, like in a HEARTBEAT… gah) who reminded me of what I was like when I had fun. This was about as close as I’ve ever come to cheating. NOTHING I REPEAT NOTHING happened between me and this friend … though… don’t think I didn’t want it to… cause… whoa… yea… anyways. He reminded me of what I was like when I felt good about myself, when I was able to care about other people (and not just about paying someone else’s bills for effing video games). So I started eating better, working out (kinda lol), going for walks and really getting into my teaching credential. I realized when I stepped out of myself and my worries that I could see a life without the fiancé, and it was a good life. 

I started looking elsewhere for teaching jobs, not just where my POS car would take me from his parents’ house. I planned on moving, and did, in May of the following year.

Those months between Thanksgiving and Easter were tumultuous at best. He knew I was pulling away and would occasionally make moves to show he was “looking” for work… he wasn’t. I put a software on the computer to monitor usage because I wanted to believe him, deep down I wanted to work it all out with him. After all, I had invested close to five years of my time, emotions, energy and life with this person. I think that’s what makes breaking up an angry proposition. You feel like you lost, you lost the time, the feelings, everything. Almost equivalent to being robbed. Whenever A asks if I think his ex was mad at him I say yes, you were together 8 friggin years… that’s a huge waste of time if you knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere, and even though she was a dirty cheating whore she had a right to be mad at him for wasting her time. So yea. Checked the software one night after a day out with friends (cause I made that a priority again, rather than sulking in the room watching him play video games) I was on a high, we all had plans and how our lives were going to turn out, and then… then I clicked that file folder. I went out for the day while he focused on “job searching”, he kissed me goodbye and said he was going to try to “help us move forward together”. I was so damn stupidly hopeful… He did start on google searching “jobs in ******”, I can remember smiling, then I clicked for the next screen shot… it was video game site… I scrolled through the screen shots… disappointment set in and I, I gave up. THAT was the pin point moment when I told myself I needed to leave. I spent the next day (as our agreement was I took the Saturday, he got the Sunday) following up with jobs out of state. Running away. I booked a flight to Utah and interviewed within the month. 

By the following month I was packed and moving out. He started working with a friend of his dads and the plan started to shift to “come with me, I’ll go first, then when I get set up you can come too”… again… stupidly hopeful.

That job barely lasted a week.

We ended.

I’m sometimes happily married now with a baby, my dogs, my cats, and a house (home ownership is highly overrated btw).

I hear that he’s married with a step-kid and supposedly twins on the way still living with his parents. 

His brother had a kid, his sister popped one out just after graduating high school (she had PCOS so I can’t hate on her thinking she couldn’t get pregnant, just expected her to make more of herself), and yea. Life goes on.

It’s better now. More for me than him in all reality and that sucks cause I didn’t wish anything but the best for him. He needed it.

The point is, all of that and when I thought it was over and when I “knew” it was time to look for something more wasn’t December… it wasn’t that broken promise. It wasn’t when he disappointed me AGAIN…

It was when I realized that him “providing” and working to make sure that we were a team and I wasn’t pulling all the weight (being fair, I never expected him to pull all the weight either, I always had a job that paid my bills –usually all the bills, with TWO jobs) and totally stressed out and unhealthy. I wanted him to take care of me the same ways I took care of him. Found a journal the other day and was going through it (before I burned it – cause why think about it) and found where we had fought and I had cried because he said something along the lines of I’m not your workhorse. THAT right there is when I knew we weren’t going anywhere. THAT was the snowball that started the avalanche. That happened before 4^th of July… and my comment was “freedom… needs to come sooner”… I was trapped and I knew it, even if it was just subconscious.

So this therapeutic post is just to say, when it’s over, get out. There is no point in extending the hurt and disappointment when you’re in a one-sided relationship. You know it’s over. Stop trying to hang on, stop trying to “believe in us”.

I’m not saying don’t TRY, most relationships are worth the natural work of a relationship. I’m saying PAY ATTENTION. If you’re the only one DOING the work… go work with someone else, someone worth the work and time and energy and DESERVING of your love and commitments.

Are there days that I miss the ex? Yea, he was fun for the most part.

Are there days where I feel like I could’ve worked harder? Sure

Are there days that I know I’m better off without him… every.fucking.day. No hesitation. I’m a better person without him in my life. Daughter, sister, friend, mother, wife, coworker, all of it. BETTER now that I’m not HIS.

“Leave. Just leave. Say your goodbyes and move forward with your life.” – journal 5/16/2010

Drama Mama Llama

So this trip was an overall success.

It wasn’t the greatest trip, but it was the shit storm it could’ve been. It was long and there were missed connecting flights, hotel stays, stuff missing, people missed, lost (forgotten really) ID and credit card, crappy parking, disappointing brunch, horrible miscommunication that cost use upwards of $100 on dinner, that all sucked. BUT there was a date (day and night), whale watching, romantic dinner, drinks on a pier, family time, free hotel rooms, clean laundry, and ocean. So overall, can’t really complain about it.

The drama that went down was that there wasn’t any. Coming from a family with abuse I saw it coming, but A, he did not. He thought his family would at least text him to tell him that he was horrible, awful, hateful (or that I was all of the above and he was stupid for being with me lol)… but all he got was silence. Which, in all honesty, was the best way they could’ve handled the situation. It just wasn’t what A expected, he’s so used to them making him feel bad for everything he does good or bad (it’s rare that they called him out for anything bad since he’s a good guy), so the silence caught him off guard. He was ready for the fight. He was ready to answer the call and say, “I have nothing to say to you and I don’t want to hear whatever it is you think you have to say to me”, he rehearsed it in the car, on the plane, in the hotel, etc. He was looking FORWARD to it… but it didn’t come. He was disappointed and then the epiphany hit, it’s their pride. The egos they have that are larger than Venus and how they are probably sitting around talking shit (mostly about me, cause, you know, I’m the asshole) and how he should be calling to apologize to THEM…

I told him after everything went down that I honestly don’t know how much they would have to apologize before I would ever allow them to get close enough to have the slightest possibility to hurt him again…or my son. A says, there isn’t enough, they could grovel and apologize and make excuses for their behavior, but there is no excuse for how they acted and what they said. They did not misspeak, we asked for clarification, they gave it, mercilessly they said exactly what they wanted to, and what they had obviously rehearsed. A was hurt beyond words, I was shocked (I know, right? I should’ve expected it), baby was happy baby as always, he doesn’t know any different.

I know it’s popular right now to say “I cant even”… but it fits. I can’t even …

I can’t even …

…think of letting them back into our lives

…wonder what they are going to do next in regards to connecting with us

…plan for future accommodations that allow them to be near/with us

…look at this and think how much they would love for “us” not be “us” but for it to be A & baby…

They are asshats for sure. I don’t wish any harm on them but I really hope I never have to see/hear/think about them ever again… it won’t happen but I can wish. Because the problem with abusive families is that they get into your head. They might be out of sight and you might be out of their minds but they are ALWAYS on your mind… taking possession of something they have no right to, your joy. I’m constantly battling with the urge to look over my shoulder to see who is watching me when I’m doing nothing wrong… but that’s my mama llama drama. A is now constantly dealing with anxiety of “when will the next round of fighting start” and the “will I be prepared for it”… and that anxiety is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Family is rough

Having asshats for family is rougher.

The good news is that even with that drama (and lack thereof) we had an amazing trip. We had fun. We had some great firsts that included our first date night out, our first family vacation (that was an actual VACATION), our first time with baby at beach, our first whale watching, baby first time walking more than five steps, and our first real discussion beyond NO NO NO NO NO on more kid(s)… which is still a no but at least we had a real discussion on why we feel that way.

So yea. Good times. 

More on the drama mama

So my rules for being my MIL was a joke. I meant what I said, every damn word, but I didn’t want to the be the one to pull the trigger on cutting off contact with them. It was just my timing to post that and have it happen so quickly… my timing… go figure.

All in all. After the weeks since that lovely blowout and the discussions that followed with (my obviously) family, friends, co-workers, and heavy & deep conversations with A… I’m okay, he’s okay. We’re okay with the outcome. When discussing future trips back to lala-land, we’re okay not seeing them, not speaking to them, and not dealing with the bullshit. 

That’s all it is with them, total bullshit. I’ve complained to A before that he could talk to his family for hours, yet nothing was ever discussed. They could bash everyone around them but never looked at themselves and their behavior. The most common theme in our discussion, they could dish but couldn’t take and they could talk but never listened.

I love A, that’s why I married him. Since meeting, we’ve talked about our families and future family. Who we wanted to emulate and those that we agreed to beat each other up for acting like. A is a free spirited person and the psychology buff in me is amazed he made it out of that household without major visible damage. I saw it come out during that argument, the damage, stings of pain, and years of hurt, major betrayal, all of it. All of the negativity of growing up surrounded by toxic people who want nothing more than to bring down those around them in order to feel better about themselves. I still go back to the comments they made that MY family was the priority. Wishing I had spoken up rather than allowing A to stand up for me (which is RARE, because… who would he need to do that to that I would have in my life???). I wish I had held his hand and pointed to my son and said, “yes MY family, which includes your son and grandson, IS my priority and they are the most important people in my life” as they were bashing my loyalty to my family of origin and accusing A of disloyalty to his own.

We’ve been a calm household with few arguments (dinner plans can be a point of contention lol) since coming back from that trip. Our weekends have been relaxed and filled with fun and not dealing with any drama. It’s been fantastic.

In talking last night about the next trip A said something I didn’t expect but totally appreciate, “I wonder how pissed they would be to know that their attempts to divide us by bashing you and our relationship only brought us closer together?”.  My guess, pretty pissed.

Looking forward to a fun filled VACATION J