Too efficient

I’m efficient with my time

Too efficient

Right now for example I’m typing this out while a work item loads the image view. While listening to amazon music cause it’s better than hearing my coworkers talk.

My brain allows me to focus on both simultaneously. I’m able to seamlessly switch back and forth between the two tasks and not miss a beat. Nothing is lacking, and I’m not “losing time” because I’m still working on something rather than just sitting here for 1-2 minutes at a time just waiting for the screen to load. I can also type at about 98wpm; so that helps.

I’m a freaking machine. At least that’s what I feel like, especially when I say something I’m thinking out loud and someone hears me.

I’m unemotional, and yet I try to rationalize it.

This situation, according to various therapist, is a byproduct of being raised by a psycho of a mother where I had to think two steps ahead just to avoid a beating. Yay abuse…. At least you helped with something…

But yesterday I was trying to look into some options on fundraising for my niece’s D.C. trip when my step-mom (not the abuser) texted me. She was responding to my texts from the previous night and then went on to tell me how busy my sister was.

It hit me.

My sister was avoiding me. I had texted her three days in a row and she had told me how she got sick, kids had lice, she was stressed etc. I said sorry and then laid out why I wanted her to call. I just wanted her thoughts on if my ideas were worth pursuing for the sake of her daughters fundraising. She replied, “I’ll call you at lunch”. Ok, that’s when I pump so I’ll be able to talk privately, great! Or so I thought, because when I did the math to see when my mom was texting me, I figured out it would’ve been five minutes after my sister should’ve called me….

This is what I imagine happened:

My sister had called mom first and said that she needed to talk to me, or answered a call from mom… whatever, she somehow explained that she needed to get back to me and I “didn’t get it”…. Cause I don’t. I don’t understand how you can’t stay on top of your shit.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m overly efficient, a "superwoman" according to my husband. I said it out loud, “do I have to fucking chase her down to help her!” husband heard… and parroted back to me.

I can’t stop thinking about it and doing what we always begged our parents not to do, I compared us.

From what I can see in her daily life this is what I came up with:

*three kids (6-13) in school and sports

*works out whenever she can get 15 minutes alone

*works a full time job with a commute

*Up at 5am – down at 9pm

*tries to make sure everyone gets time with her kids (family on both sides are local and within driving distance)

*does her hair and makeup daily

*confused and couldn’t be organized to save her life

*husband home with her in evenings, they split taking kids to various practices

*incredibly social.

*sensitive to what others think of her

*dog that the kids play with to keep him busy.

*She’s the very definition of a MILF.

And then me

I’m a nerd.

*6 month old baby

*calculated and organized

*I choose sleep over my looks and health

* I’m not social, I’ll call/text/skype before I’ll get dressed to go out. (I know you’re thinking I’m lazy, you’re absolutely right).

*I don’t work out. I started the Bikini Body Mommy recently and do it when I can (ie – when the husband isn’t home, I choose sex over a workout…). 

*I couldn’t care less what people think, I’m cold and I’m a bitch but I own that.

*My baby has no sports, he has a bouncer, with me and a camera watching adamantly.

*My dogs take up a good hour of my day with feeding, grooming, getting them in and out with snow… fucking snow. I’m so sick of snow… and having to put a warm rag on their paws when them come in so they don’t get messed up pads gah… dogs… sorry… little tangent there.

*I make sure my in laws get skype time when my husband is home (we hope for at least once a week)

I should note that my husband has an insane schedule, nothing routine/consistent about it and it drives my OCD self CRAY CRAY!

*I email my parents and update our shutterfly every Saturday morning so that everyone can “be involved”

*I send picture msgs to family and friends.

*I work full time and use the down time at work to get other stuff done (like searching for fundraising ideas)

*I take a full load of online classes, scheduled out so I can hang. This semester was 2 intense 8 week classes and 2 regular 16 week classes. So that first 8 weeks I had the full 4 classes and basically busted ass on the short classes. I am paying for it now by having to work harder in these classes to make up for the shortcomings early on in the semester.

*up at 5am – down at 9pm (with frequent wake ups in between- nursing baby)

SO I’m looking at this list I made and going through point by point. Missing my family and insanely jealous of the support my sister gets that I will, frankly, never get. She can take kids three miles to grandma’s house and have them feed, cleaned, cared for, she can get fed and cared for… I’m 1700 miles away.
I have tried to make it out there but it’s expensive and hard with getting days off. I keep telling myself that the next vacation is going to be OUR vacation, that WE are going to go somewhere, but everyone demands time with us and/or baby so it becomes a “let’s go home and visit” and we can’t get out. I have it on my list for this weekend to start looking into cruises (so I don’t have to fly with a baby) this next year when little man is old enough. Truth be told. I’ve always been envious of my sister. Do I think if I had her life I’d be better at it?....of course, the egomaniac in me won’t let me lie about that.  But I’m insanely jealous of her and her life.

But I sat here comparing us and thinking, what the fuck! I’m trying to help you and you can’t spend fifteen fucking minutes on the phone with me; while driving (she has a Bluetooth I would NEVER expect her to put herself and others in danger to talk to me), while at one of the practices, while waiting for dinner, I’m two hours ahead frigging call me when I’m trying to HELP! It’s not like I’m calling and requiring your attention for hours on end crying about the last guy that left me (someone we both know). I’m not calling to ask you a million questions on what your schedule is because I know it’s crazy and you haven’t figured out Google calendar (the fact that she can keep tabs on her kids in her head amazes me btw). I’m not even calling you to tell you how excited I am that little man is rolling over and laughs when the walkers growl on the Walking Dead… though I am dying to get the chance to actually connect with you that way…. Because I understand that you’re busy.

I know that life is crazy.

I understand… and yet I don’t.

Mostly because I’m crying that we can’t talk like that.

That I live so far away that I can’t come to the baseball and soccer games to support my nieces and nephew.

I’m crying that I’ve missed every single choir performance of my niece while she’s been in Jr. High.

Crying that I can’t just drop by and hang out on Saturday while you do laundry; and I try to entertain your kids while you try to mop, without them running in and out, making it worse. The phrase “cleaning with children is like brushing your teeth with a mouthful of Oreos’” was MADE in her house….

I hate that mom felt she had to defend your time! That she heard the stress/dread in your voice when you said you had to call me. That it’s not a fun thing to call me during your lunch. I’m not a source of relief and apparently a call to me will be a barrage of questions/stress, nothing to look forward to… even when I’m just trying to help you and provide you with some relief, especially financial as you try to raise funds to send your daughter on a fantastic memory-making trip.

This trip for her is important to me too… I never got to go on mine. It wasn’t even a question of money (well it was, but by the time I had asked to go I had already raised $1300 on my own and could’ve done the rest on my own…yay abuse) but my mother said no. I was crushed. I had to donate my earnings to another student (who was grateful) but that meant that while all my friends were having a great time I was one of 5 kids who were basically left watching movies in classes because EVERYONE (including teachers) was on that trip…. I don’t want that for my niece.

So I’ve compared. I’ve contrasted. And now I’m just hurt…. Now I don’t want to meet with the guy upstairs in compliance to find out about getting the correct paperwork so I can get this fundraiser going out here in the middle of nowhere… during my lunch. Now I just want to cry, and crying at work is never a good thing.

Guess that's my bonus for not wearing makeup... no crying eyes....