Going to miss...

Certain realties have begun sneaking into my brain, especially when I try to sleep. With everything going on and costs skyrocketing I’m not sure how I’ll sleep over the course of the next few weeks. I understand that it is all completely “do-able” but at what cost? At wrecking my credit? At getting myself into a landslide of debt? Having to make difficult choices is not one of my strengths; I’m more likely to opt for making life/situations harder on myself before asking anyone else to help. Take the upcoming moving situation for example. I’ll be renting a vehicle that is large enough for one giant dog, 4 crated cats, an overnight bag, and myself. How this will work I have NO CLUE, but I know one thing, I’ll MAKE it work. Figure out some sort of barrier for the back seat or something and probably sneeze/cry/scream-a-long to songs while driving. I will plan to do all this (as-per-use “worst case scenario” plan) before I ask that anyone else come along, especially for free. I’ll always offer to pay (secretly hoping they wont accept) since time is money and giving your time and tolerance to me is worth more than I can ever give back. I don’t know that anyone is available to take their car/truck/suv along and take a species with them so I’m pretty much planning to take them all myself. I see three sleepless days of driving ahead of me…

It hit me today, hard. Last night I hung out with my buddy Alex (he’s my older brothers bestie, but he’s here and my brother never was…so HE is my brother, a damn good one at that!) last night. Been able to hang out a few times in the last month. He’s awesome. And it totally sucks that right as we’re getting close, I’m leaving. FAR FAR FAR away. L and what hit me this morning was that he was my first goodbye of this month. I don’t know that I’ll get the chance to see him before I leave, so we said goodbye last night. And it sucked! Made me painfully aware of all the remaining moments at “home”.

I can see the positive side in everything, it’s a curse, not a gift… but there has been a heightened awareness of my surroundings, about who I love, what I love, who I’m with and what we’re doing together. Making sure not to lose sight of any of it and making doubly sure not to take any moment for granted. It leads to constant heart ache (and stomach issues – guess this might help losing weight) as well as a whole lot of moments of having my breath taken away. Sarah called it physical symptoms of sadness, anxiety, and fear. Nice Sarah, nice….

I hate saying goodbye. While I know I have some of the greatest friends in the world… correction, I have all of the greatest friends in the world. You think you do, I KNOW I do… your friends suck, and mine could kick their ass. Ha! My friends find ways to reconnect and travel all over to see each other, especially for events (like my wedding boo-yah bitches my friends ROCK). I love hard and my friends equally so if not more. I care so deeply about the people in my life knowing full well that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for the people in my life. However small of an impact it was an impact nonetheless. Btw- loving people as much as I do… is exhausting… I get so wrapped up in someone else that I tend to let others fall by the wayside, only to go and reconnect to care about them more than anyone else…. It’s a cycle and I hate to think anyone in my life doesn’t feel loved or appreciated by me.

So all last night I kept making mental notes of all the stuff I’m going to miss about living in Southern California surrounded by familiarity, family, friends, love, and life. Ideally, I’ll be able to look back at this and think, “wow, I may have left that behind but look what I have now!”… I doubt it… but I can hope. If you know me in real life (rather than cyber stalkers) you know that if nothing else, I hope.

Keep in mind this a personal list for me (which of course you are welcome to read, otherwise why put it out here…) but if something doesn’t make sense ask, I love to elaborate. Plus it’ll keep my memories fresh!


*the screen doors at Hellman, slamming behind me…

*green grass on well manicured lawns

*wrapping the kids in my sweaters and them popping out like little birds

*getting to see my dad at least once a week

*dirty rain in Los Angeles while walking through China town

*the peacocks at the Arboretum

*the gourmet coffee machine that makes Milky Way Hot Chocolate with an espresso shot of French Vanilla coffee…

*getting out of various tickets.

*smoggy sunsets (its beautiful – all the oranges and reds)

*hills at Mt. SAC

*Gus’s BBQ… awesome food, awesome people

*the “unofficial book club” at work, 50 shades of cheese, dragons, game of thrones, and many more

*fireworks, illegally obtained from Native Americans outside of Las Vegas…

*scaring the Asians in my neighborhood while walking Pebbles in the morning.

*videotaping the kids singing along in the back seat.

*summers at the beach, winters are better….

*Starbucks runs with the best co-workers ever

*Restaurant Row in Monrovia, driving while “take a pic”

*inside movie picnics with the kids

*the kids baseball and soccer games

*Solvang (and all the various drives up there)

*Mt. Shasta

*being able to see mountains every day, especially when walking out the front door…

*Big Bear

*being so close to friends that swinging by to pick them up isn’t even a thought.

*my vet, he rocks! No one can deal with the amount of kittens I’ve brought him over the years nearly as well as he has.

*San Diego Zoo memberships… I’ve seen the zoo in Bismarck and one in Montana… Not. Even. Close.

*San Diego

*bi-weekly check-in dinners

*task rabbit jobs

*Fresh And Easy

*drive in movies

*conversations on “missed windows” while starring at an open window

*the view of the city from THAT apartment

*farmers markets

*hugs from the kids

*running into kids from student teaching who are HUGE now (and further proof of how long it’s been)

*trying to record Karine to figure out what language she is speaking while yelling… I think it’s a drug ring… just saying…

*doughnuts in DCHS parking lot

*driving past shitty places I’ve lived knowing I never have to go back

*quick trips to Lancaster (needed to do more of those in the last ten years, and I have sadly haven’t)

*walking rescued pit bulls and the ability to keep up with them on hikes

*people/weirdo watching at Runyon Canyon

*microbrew hoping

*crazy cat lady conversations in front of unsuspecting victims of craziness…

*that mysterious stain in the living room

*mani/pedi’s with Laura and the girls (being there for both of their “firsts”)

*people that I love the most being less than a day’s drive away….

Yep... I'm going to miss being here.

OF COURSE… Train’s “This Ain’t Goodbye” off their album Save Me, San Francisco is what comes up on Pandora right now… well played…